This is how I feel....

Saw this floating around the internet and facebook and couldn't have said it better, love it! Woodstock and Snoopy are pretty darn cute too ;)
It is how I feel inside...scared and worried of this upcoming biopsy.
Knowing people care is comforting, especially as I am petrified right now.

Rough night...

I planned to go to a friend's night out but honestly, I just can't bring myself to "try and have fun" when I am feeling this anxiety. My feelings are real, not an excuse, I am sorry, but I do feel stuff, too. I love 'em and I am sure they will understand, eventually, after the disappointment. I am emotionally (and physically) tired and just want to veg for awhile. I guess I should clue them in on whats going on with me? I will soon but feel they have their own emotional stuff to deal with, as its been a rough year for them....
So, tonight was very difficult. I came to terms with how scared I am and how serious this could turn out to be...cried & freaked out a lot :(
It all started when I read another incredible blog of a man, Father and husband with stage lV Melanoma. His mole before removal resembled mine. I feared I waited too long on this. I should have made that appt last year when my doctor said to!
The part that really upset me is his wife took over the blog in the end, as he didnt make it, he fought a hard almost two year battle of this nasty cancer but it was just too invasive :(
I have read many blogs of Melanoma survivors and many of those who passed away but this guy's blog just punched me right in the gut tonight. Seeing his mole posted before all of his surgery was what really hit me.
Not many blogs show their original moles before the biopsy, probably because they never thought they would have to start a blog about it, so never took pics. They might never realized a mole could be cancerous and deadly until after their biopsies.
His was a small little odd mole as mine. Looked extremely similar to mine, which has panicked me. Its hard to believe something as small as this can kill.

I feel family and friends just dont understand how serious it can be. Its a potential deadly cancer if it turns out to be malignant and not caught in time. People think that one's fear about this is exaggerated, but its really not.

Many people disregard skin cancer as just a mole removal and all is supposedly well again. Tell that to those families who lose a loved one from Melanoma cancer every hour in the United States.
Its such an aggressive cancer and can spread so fast through the entire body. It can metastisize and end up in the brain and lungs... This is what malignant melanoma tends to do, thats why yearly / monthly CT's and PET scans are done. Scary as can be! You might even be fine after surgeries and special chemo treatments ( as it doesnt respond to typical chemo and radiation as other cancers do) for years then it can just pop up again even worse usually when it comes back and the fight is harder than ever.
I have learned so much and feel so much for all cancer patients, and especially feel bad of how melanoma is not out there enough in the public for people to understand. Its barely talked about. Its deadly and must be caught early!!
The public must take it seriously as with any other cancer.

I will do better tomorrow I am sure, each day brings new fears but its the waiting thats getting to me now. I just hope to hear when this is all over that it's benign. I never thought I would be in this scary situation. Whenever I heard that dermatologist change his tone of voice after looking closely at my mole, and then said if its not benign, i will be needing more surgery, well that was a bit overwhelming!... I really hate surgery!

Its no longer just an ugly mole, its something the dermatologist took serious enough to want to remove the entire thing for a biopsy :(

Surgery moved up a week :(

Got a call Tuesday am, apparently the surgeon came in and looked at her schedule and saw she was booked for surgeries on Friday (Black Friday, day after turkey day). She can't keep those surgeries as she will be out of town. So they pushed my surgery up to the following Friday, November 30th. I had it all set at work, did the necessary paperwork and was approved, had to go back in and redo.

Another week added now of anxiety. In the meantime this ugly mole is doing its repetitive change. Does its weird growth and ulcerates, then crusts a bit, and repeats..... Here are some recent pics, though they are kinda gross, it's important and helps anyone who has a similar looking mole. Looking at people's blogs and pics have helped me in a way, so I feel I should share as well during this mole "scare".

Notice the dark irregular border (used to be just a roundish border with no elevated middle part)

a recent ulceration again, with crusting and oozing, many colors are seen

This is when it grows and becomes a tad sore before ulcerating. The borders have definitely over the

past few months become more irregular. 

This ugly "nevus" will be saying bye, bye soon...

Well, Election day was the day of my dermatologist appointment. I voted.. didn't vote for surgery, but I'm going under the knife anyhow (in a couple of weeks).

Actually, it's a good thing...as this prob should be removed and biopsied like the doctor said. The dermatologist at first thought it could be a seborrheic keratosis but then when he looked using the dermascope, he didn't like the edges of the Nevus, he now decided to call it, and the coloring of the middle raised area had his concern... He then said he wanted to schedule surgery and have the entire mole along with a margin of skin around it removed by an excision and a biopsy will be done to see if it's benign. Scary stuff. If it turns out to be more, not benign, then additional surgery will be needed but he said we will wait until the  pathology reports come back to discuss that, if needed.

Now the hard part - getting a week off from work following the surgery. It will be right after turkey day, so it might not go over well but what can I do? I have plenty of sick leave, just never asked for a week of sick time before. With the incision being in the area its in, the inner thigh where the leg connects to the body, it will be a sensitive surgery that will be very sore afterwards and has higher chance of infection. Also, lifting and crouching on my job can cause stitches to tear.... doctor's orders are to take a week off from work after the surgery and to take it easy around the house. He was funny and said it will be a good time to relax and write out Christmas cards, organize my sock drawer, lol... nothing strenuous.

This could turn out to be all ok (prayin), but just being this close to a cancer scare has made me think about a lot.... I really feel for all who are fighting Melanoma and other cancers. The blogs and tributes I have read are heartbreaking, as well as inspiring to never give up. Life is too short.
 I connected with a woman recently after reading her blog... I asked her advice, via email, and her sincere from the heart reply was incredibly touching. I got watery-eyed to know someone who doesn't know me at all, reached out like that. There are really wonderful, caring people in this world!

will be posting again soon...take care all,
Patty

This is how the mole looked a day before my derm appt....it was in its flatter stage after doing the crust over again. Starting to grow again now.

less than 21 hours to go....

a day before the appointment and now I am like maybe it's not so bad?? Who knows. Still just trying to figure it out. Feel like maybe I am just a crazy nut for even worrying about it....was I making a mountain out of a mohill... prob because appointment is so close and not sure if the dermatologist is going to be caring or look at me like I am nuts. So much going through my head now.

The spot bled a bit and the bump went down but it will be back again as it keeps doing. Just hope he doesn't totally shrug it off without maybe doing a biopsy. We shall see. Whatever it is, it's annoying now and can be very uncomfortable. So something needs to be done.

Will update tomorrow after the appointment to let ya know how it goes.

4 more days....

Four more days till I see a dermatologist. It's looking not so "mean" today. Some sites do say it changes a lot as your body's immune system is trying to conquer it. Not sure just how true this is but it makes sense.

Just wish the appt. would get here and be over with, feel sick to my stomach with thinking "is it or isn't it?" Just need this to waiting to end now. Had enough.

The ABCDE's are not pretty....

     Hope these 3 images don't gross anyone out but this is how the mole has evolved over the past few months. It's just awful. It honestly used to be always a flat discoloration on my skin, brown edges and lighter skin tone in the middle looking mole. It was easily seen though, not very light.  Looked more like a mole with more of a round shape. Now it's ugly as can be and the dark brownish edges are stretching outwards, not as round any longer. It is worrying me to no end lately.

    If this just appeared out of the blue on my skin when nothing was there before, I wouldn't be as concerned... I would write it off as an infected wart or something, but this was always a mole so it's very scary and I think I have a right to be afraid at this point. Maybe my concern will all be for nothing but it certainly taught me a lot about checking my skin and if there is a next time to not to wait so long to be seen by a specialist.

All the ABCDE's of what to look for in a mole that possibly could be Melanoma are there....

I hope it turns out to be just a Melanoma look-a-like :( 

                    (sorry for poor quality pics, taken with an iphone and not the easiest spot to get to)